As if I haven’t been all about my life on here lately, but I need to write this somewhere. I have come to the conclusion that I am attracted to “broken” men, but not only that I think I stay with them or pursue the relationship because I pity them. I want to fix them, and in the process cause myself such distress that I hurt more than anything is fixed. As a result of my upbringing, or really lack there of, I have constantly been told to have no self worth and therefore this behavior that I have exhibited has never been fixed. It is the reason I stayed with my first boyfriend for five years when I no longer loved him. I stayed because I thought only I could fix him. Only I could be there for him when he was in pain. I was responsible for him. He needed me and I wanted to be needed. This is also why I believe I pushed away my recent ex. I tried to fix him when he didn’t want to be fixed. I look for people who are equally as fucked up as I am, a kindred in pain if you will.
Basic point: I need find value in myself, and not search for the equally screwed up person because I think no normal man would be able to handle me. I need to stop needing to be needed. That is codependent and unhealthy. I need to learn to love just to love.